I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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