Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
