I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
