Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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