can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
