Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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