ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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