I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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