Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dignity is for republicans.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
