Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
