My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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