I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
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I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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