Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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