hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
