sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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