Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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