Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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