plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
