So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
