I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
