Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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