He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
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Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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