Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
