I just saw a hot homeless man
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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