Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
