i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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