she woke up with a sticky ear
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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