You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
