He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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