i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
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You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
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Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Text me some of your sweat
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