It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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