There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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