I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
