She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
