I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
