Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
