Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
