i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
