I wanna passion pit in your ass
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
