i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
