Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
