brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
