apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
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She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize