I met the friendliest cop last night
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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