Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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