My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
