I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
