he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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