A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
