I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
