i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
