is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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