BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
