If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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