Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
