You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Enjoy the penises
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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