she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize